Looking For Answers in Today’s World

I don’t know where others are in the process of coming to peace with what’s happening out in the world or even how many people are aware that something on a much grander scale than ourselves is taking place.  How many people are silently scouring the internet looking for answers about what is really happening vs. what the narrative currently is on the world stage?  How many people are feeling more alone and isolated than ever before?

It can be such a strange place to be.  It’s like nothing works that used to work.  You know?  As if trying to push us deeper and deeper into ourselves and face all the things we used to be able to avoid.  It makes for an eccentric blob of weird and haunting things we’re suddenly sifting through looking for answers or some sort of understanding of the reality we’re in.  Anything to make it better.

Or maybe that’s just me.  I’d be fine with that too.  But looking at how hard it is to relate or agree with anything or anyone, makes me suspicious about whether I really am alone in that.  A time where it doesn’t seem that anyone really has any answers or solutions.  Not that anyone is listening.  How can we hear anything outside of our own internal screaming?

I know I’ve been pushed into some strange corners in myself the last few years.  But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s one of the purposes of what is happening.  To force us all into the place that we must all travel alone.  The part towards the end of the solar hero’s journey.  The place where you must face yourself and everything you’ve spent your whole existence running from.

A place that can too often seem like it’s impossible to survive or handle, but on it goes giving you little if any choice or control.  A place where you’d do anything to make it right.  Anything.  A test of sanity and endurance and mastery of self.

It doesn’t mean that help isn’t in there with you, it’s just a matter of learning how to recognize how it manifests for you personally.  Recognizing some sort of guidance or intuition that seems to point out what you really need or where you really need to go.  It’s easier to notice when you stop thinking you actually know or have the answers.  A letting go of sorts, but without giving up.  A void that must be passed through.

This is what I think we may all be going through in our own way.  A discovery of true inner self and and something that only we can know what or how it should be for us.  A place where a mix of deep and contradicting feelings start to emerge and to judge them before they’ve fully surfaced is a disservice to self.  To give our inner self a chance to speak before we shove it back down in dislike and judgment.

It takes all a person has to successfully navigate this part of the journey and because it’s alone, it can’t include the rest of the world and how it thinks things should be, because the truth is that the world as a whole doesn’t know the answer for each of us as individuals.  That’s between us and the greater hidden existence.  It’s where you start to learn that the world isn’t as black and white as it’s been made and that individuals can become lost in such grand deductions.

That at the end of the day, we are our own authority in union with our soul and spirit.  You only need to be in agreement within yourself at that level in order to be truly okay.  That it isn’t about getting everyone else to understand or agree with you before you can find peace within.

There are so many important and valuable things to be found while in the great pressure of realizing that it’s the end of everything we’ve known.  There are some things we would never face if not forced to face our mortality and so there is meaning in it, even if it seems at the moment like senseless suffering.  It’s not senseless.  There is a point to it all.

What’s better is that you don’t even have to believe that for it to be true.  There are some things that are true regardless of what you believe and those things are capable of holding strong and true until you reach the point of being able to see and know them for yourself.  What a relief it was to me to learn that it wasn’t all up to me.  To see that in the end, no matter what I believe and think, that it really is all okay and in a way that even I can wholeheartedly agree without sacrificing my own integrity.  A satisfying win/win.

So I don’t know where everyone else is in themselves at the moment because it’s so specific and personal to each of you.  But I do know that no matter how bad it may seem to you while you are in it, that you are being looked after and that after all is said and done, you will understand what it was all for and in that moment also realize the brilliance of your journey and just how much you are personally loved.

But until then, none of it may make sense to you.  It’s not for you to judge, but for you to go through and experience what is being asked of you to experience.  To bear it as best as you can.  Believe and trust in the eternal part of yourself, even if all seems lost.  When it is time for the truth to be revealed, it will be, and there’s nothing that can force it or prevent it.

Walk Towards the Tsunami With Peace in Your Heart

Not knowing what’s coming leaves a really big space for us to fill with our own fears, surrounding us with our own darkness versus the truth that lies before us.

Working through our fears is the growth we need in order to become big enough to handle the truth. And the real truth, the higher truth, only ever frees you from the grip of fear. It is only ever a burden lessened.

Only when you have truly been freed from fear does the illusion fall away and the truth is shown. Only then do you find peace and find the real path home.

Dream Giving Gentle Reminder of What’s Really Important

I had some interesting dreams last night that really made me think.  A couple were set at a hotel and the one I’ll share with you begins with me going to my room and seeing that there was already a woman in there occupying it.  She seemed a little off somehow, not really with it.  I tried to just go along with it but I became more and more uncomfortable with the situation.

Then I started to experience the world as she did.  When my husband walked away from me and towards the door, he seemed to disappear from my sight.  I seemed to be viewing the world from a different light spectrum than a human usually sees.  It was disconcerting to me.  It was a little how I might imagine a bad acid trip to be.  My reality bubbled in front of me with colors that you don’t normally see in the air in front of you, like mixes of green and then yellow.

I decided I was done trying to be okay with the situation and asked the hotel staff to get me a different room.  They seemed to take it very seriously and at first I believed it was for my benefit that they were upset about it, but as I listened on I found out that the woman was the wife of someone important to the hotel and I even detected a bit of protectiveness and affection for the woman.  They were more upset at the woman being disturbed then in the inconvenience it had caused me.

Something about that calmed me inside and felt right.  It felt like something that has gone missing in the world and it felt good to be put back in my place in a manner of speaking.  All of my dreams pointed to this more humbling place as well as showing me how I’ve veered away from myself a bit and am not as accepting of all of me as I should be.  I need to be more soft and compassionate for the human condition and the many things we face during our adventures here.

It felt good to be reminded in the most subtle and loving of ways of what’s more important and to be pointed back to my center where I belong.  It’s easy to go off track in the hectic pace of the current world and I don’t enjoy life as much when I lose sight of what actually matters down here.

I also feel that it’s more important than ever to be aware of this.  Time seems to be short and I feel the best thing I could be doing right now is getting more in touch with my heart and soul and things beyond the material world as we are constantly reminded everyday that it isn’t forever.  We are always on borrowed time.

Until next time, take care!

Flower May 27 2018

The Mountain and the Butterfly

I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but I keep taking issue with me.  I am inconsistent.  I want to be more fixed, more constant, but that’s not how I experience things.  To me every moment is its own situation with a complex feed of information that plays a part in what I’m thinking or feeling.  I can shift and change my perception to see any view point that is given.

With that kind of mutability, I can come across as inconsistent.  I am almost always misunderstood.  When I let it go unchecked, I can quickly lose my own perspective about things.  It can make it hard to see me through all the shape-shifting, like a dizzying carnival ride.

It makes it hard for me to answer questions, such as during interviews because I have to establish what level or perspective the person is speaking from in order to know how to answer the questions they asked as they intended it.  No doubt I can come across as air-headed, or maybe even a bit slow.  People think they’re being clear, but they aren’t aware of how many ways a single question can be taken.  My job then becomes about being a quick on-the-spot detective to deduce which way they mean it, while also thinking of an answer that fits that perspective.

Being aware of so many levels and perspectives, it takes me some time to understand for myself what it is that I truly feel and believe about something.  A long time.  A lot of talking, verbal processing.  It can be exhausting and frustrating.  It’s easy to get lost and sidetracked.

Living from a situational point-of-view means never being on autopilot.  I am not likely to give a cookie-cutter response and I cringe every time I do.  I’m taking into account things like the environment, the season, the time of day, recent events, my moods, other people’s moods, etc.

On top of all of this, I’m also very sensitive to energetics or the unseen influences of life.  I’ve also spent a great deal learning about distinguishing the different things I pick up and what they mean and where it’s coming from.  I am highly empathic, feeling other’s feelings and thoughts as if they are my own.  Which is another reason I can’t let myself go on autopilot, because I can quickly get mixed up with what is going on inside of me if I do.

A lot of hard work and discipline has gone into figuring myself out and pulling it together.  I’m able to easily be at peace with myself when I’m alone.  The difficulty comes when I try to be myself around others who misunderstand me and have very fixed ideas about how things should be and all the ways I’m wrong in how I am.  I start seeing their perspective and lose sight of my own, leading to me becoming unhappy.

So that’s why I say I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but this time I want to be able to stay in that place even while around others who misunderstand me.  It’s really, really, really hard for someone like me to do.  It’s like trying to wiggle your ears or do push-ups with your chin.

I’ve found that being in touch with my deeper feelings really helps a LOT.  But omg it takes a lot of work.  Some people are setup to easily be in touch with their deeper feelings, but they can be so serious and brooding that it takes a miracle to get them to lighten up.  Namely the fixed people that misunderstand me.  Which, in my effort to try to understand where they are coming from, is what led me to understanding what it was that I was missing in order to become a more whole and happy person.

I’ve learned a great deal from my haters.  Such as learning that I could stand to be a little bit more like them in order to round myself out and be on a little more even keel.  Just like they could stand to learn a little from me and not be such a Grumposaurus Rex.  Be a little more understanding, a little more flexible, a little more forgiving.

Currently, I’m married to my favorite Grumposaurus Rex.  He is one of the most fixed people I’ve ever met, but also the most willing of his kind to try to change and grow.  We are very aware of our differences, but we each have enough love for each other to do what it takes to figure us out.  Learning how to be with each other, while being ourselves in a way that is a win/win is our mission.

It’s definitely on my top 5 list of hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it’s also on my top 5 list of best things I’ve ever done.  It’s along the lines of learning to love your enemy as you love yourself.  Or like how eagles mate, where they lock talons and start careening towards the ground and they don’t untangle until the deed is done.  It’s a little harrowing and not for the faint of heart.

But the rewards are beyond imagining.  It’s like scratching an itch you couldn’t reach, or receiving a tall glass of the tastiest water after being in the desert for days.  Those are the goals I go for, the ones that can’t be matched.

My luck is in having found an “enemy” who was just as willing and committed to work with his for both our greater good.  I have to say, it’s much more rewarding than any stupid romantic fairy-tale story I’ve ever been told.  Way sexier too.  🙂

So I’m currently working that invisible muscle in me to once again come to peace with my mutable, flexible nature despite my stand-still mountain of a husband.  My mimic nature wants to try and be as still as him, and that absolutely does not work for me.  He’s learning to come to peace with himself, as well as learning how to move a little more like I do without feeling like he’ll come unhinged inside.

It’s really working though.  It’s amazing to witness.  A frantic butterfly learning how to be more still and graceful, while a mountain learns how to get up and dance.

The Moment of Truth.

Recently while watching video clips of recent natural disasters, I felt something stirring in me.  Something deeper, almost forgotten.  Even bursting into tears, as if waking from a dream or snapping out of a spell.  The feeling reminding me more of how I used to experience the world as a child.

A feeling that I also experienced while standing in the middle of an office building as it shook during a 6.8 earthquake I was in back in 2001.  As the world around me slowed down, I felt myself become more conscious and insulated by a silent bubble, even though the crashing and banging of the quake was deafening.  I looked around me, taking in what was happening.  My thoughts running through me slowly like I was trying to run underwater.

An earthquake“, I thought.  “This is what it’s like to be in an earthquake.”  I remembered the training from earthquake drills and knew that I was supposed to get under my desk.  So I turned to do so, but I saw the desk warping up and down, looking like it might break in half.  Also my computer monitor was hopping assertively and aggressively across the desk like a pissed off bunny and I thought, “Fuck that.” and ran to the doorway frame which was also supposed to be a good place to go during a quake.

Two of my coworkers had the same thought, so there were three of us standing there, finding our own personal piece of the door frame to cling to.  But then I remembered that that particular doorway was not load bearing and therefore not really all that safe.  By that time, parts of the ceiling plaster had begun to fall and a collective decision was made to make a run for it.  The very thing the drills had said not to do, but I was damned if I was going to stand there and get buried alive.  At least moving towards the exit gave me a fighting chance of escaping.

That was my outward fight or flight response, but simultaneously there were plenty of still moments where deeper existential feelings came through.

“Oh wow.  This is intense.  How long is this going to go on.  It already feels like forever.  What if this is just the beginning and it gets stronger?  Omg.  I can’t imagine being in a quake like this in a place like China or India where the infrastructure isn’t as strong as here.  Omg.  For some people, this is what their last moments look like.  This could be my last moments.  I wonder if it hurts or if it’s over in an instant.”

The worst of all for me was being so far away from my son, who was 5 at the time and just down the road at a daycare.  My mom instinct kicked in so hard to protect him that I thought I was going to burn from the inside out and started crying because there was nothing I could do about it in the moment.  One of the two coworkers standing with me in the door frame yelled out, “My daughter!” which made me cry harder because at least I wasn’t alone in my feelings of being a scared mom and feeling helpless about the situation.  It was comforting in its own way.

We did all get out safe.  Our kids were all safe.  Everything was okay, but altered.

This wasn’t the first time I was in a natural disaster, or even the first time I thought it could be the end for me.  I’ve been in multiple hurricanes and even tornadoes.  The worst one of all was during a tornado warning (meaning funnel clouds had been spotted, otherwise it’s a tornado watch) that happened back when I worked for a supercenter department store.

We had gathered all of the customers to the center of the store as soon as they issued the warning, because it was the clothing section and the safest place to be.  From where I stood, I could see out the front doors of the building.  The sky started to take on a strange dark green color and people started to abandon their cars to run.

At first they started to run towards the supercenter for shelter, but then I saw them all stop as they looked up in horror, and then hauled ass in the opposite direction.  The noise of the storm got louder and Louder and LOUDER.  The customers went from giving us attitude and complaining, to silence, and then finally came a moment when none of us could deny that we were in big trouble and complete strangers grasped hands and each other and began falling to their knees, praying, wailing, crying.

The noise.  I can’t begin to describe the noise.  It was like a hundred freight trains trying to come through the ceiling of the building.  It drowned out all of the screaming and yelling.  It drowns out all of your own thoughts and gets under your skin until it feels like the tornado is happening inside of you.

I remember starting to buckle myself, thinking “please . . . please don’t let this be it.  Please don’t let this be where and when I die.  Not in a supercenter.”  But also, at that time, my son was just a baby and I didn’t want him to have to grow up without his mom.  I didn’t want to leave him alone in the world.

And then, just as it seemed that the roof was about to give, the sound began to decrease and then leave.  We all just stood their, stunned at what had just happened.  Later we found out from eye-witnesses that THREE funnel clouds had started to descend on top of the store.  Three tornadoes.  But they never fully touched down, they retracted and moved in the nick of time, leaving us completely physically unharmed.

But forever changed.  Which brings me back to now and all that is going on in the world.  In the moments in my life when I was brought face to face with death, never ever were my thoughts about how successful I had been at work or how much money I had.  Or about being offended by a person calling a transgender person a “he” instead of a “she”.  Or about people being gay, democrat or republican, Pakistani or Indian.  Or about illegal aliens.  Climate change.  Taxes.  Corporate America or the corrupt banking systems.

No.  Nothing that the world is currently focused on and bitching about, entered my mind.  Only how much I love both the people in my life as well as the people in the world.  Also, how much of my life I have wasted on stupid, stupid things that don’t really mean anything at all.

So I look at the level of disaster that is playing out all over the globe, and then I look at what everyone is focused on and bitching about and . . . well, it’s really upsetting, you know?  We’re better than this.

Blaming others, calling each other names, blowing each other up . . . it’s all an exercise in futility.  It’s all a waste of time and resources.  Does it really matter at this point why it’s all happening?  Do we really have any control over it?  Does it really matter who is right or wrong?  Or is it time to start accepting that it’s happening and drop the bullshit?  Maybe show a little bit of compassion once in a goddamn while and grow the fuck up.

I think if there’s one common ground between us, it’s that we see that things have headed south in a big way.  It’s happening.  Why are we not able to have real discussions out loud about what IS happening all around us, and as beings that are caring and cared for?  We aren’t all going to survive what is coming.  The focus shouldn’t be solely on survival.  We should also be making right the things we are able to make right.  We should come to peace with our own mortality so that we can focus on what ACTUALLY needs to be happening right now and not the mayhem that is currently playing out.

We do not control life or death.  Any control is an illusion.  We cannot and will not save everyone because it is not up to us.  It is not our decision.  If everyone could just shut the fuck up for two seconds and realize this, maybe we could all start moving towards coming to terms, as a collective, with what is happening and stop all this goddamn useless fighting and complaining like a bunch of spoiled children.

But even if not, even if that isn’t possible because everyone is too wrapped up in the drama, it’s okay.  It’s okay because ultimately nobody escapes it.  Whether it’s your own time or someone you love, nobody escapes having to face moments of truth.  The only choice or control you really have over something like death, is whether you face the reality of it before it comes for you or you let it take you kicking and screaming against your will.  One leads to peace, while the other is torture.  Heaven.  Or.  Hell.  Your choice.

Food Hangover

I’m trying to get more comfortable in expressing my feelings, so naturally I ate too much food last night in an act of self sabotage.  But the joke is on me because I’m going to make myself write something anyways.  Making a crappy post that I’m not proud of will be my punishment.

You know, it took me awhile to realize that when I say ‘feelings’, I actually mean body sensations.  As in, ‘how does my body feel’ about something vs what my emotional state is.  I can feel good about something, but be emotionally upset.

It took me awhile to make that distinction in me because the word feeling in the general populace is used to describe both things.  What would be the more accurate word for body feels?  Sense?  I sense something is . . . no, see that just doesn’t work.  That feels like it’s describing something other than what I’m experiencing.  I experience something deeper than sense.

But I lose that deeper sensitivity feeling sensation when I eat too much food and get full.  I always figured that was what was meant by the phrase ‘eating my feelings’, right?

And it works because it feels harder to get that deeper sense of things, but then I feel a little disconnected from my inner navigation system.  I feel un-grounded, ironically, because you would think eating a bunch of food would make a person feel more solid or grounded, but it does the opposite.  It becomes harder to know what I am really wanting to do.

If I can’t feel that deeper place and know what I really want to do, then I end up doing things that I didn’t really want to do and then I don’t feel so good about myself by the end of the day.  I feel kind of disappointed in myself, which could potentially lead me down a spiral path of shame if I don’t snap out of it and get back on track.

When I’m not in touch enough with my inner navigation, I then tend to over use logic and rational to do what I think I should be doing vs what I actually should be doing and that could lead me even further off track because logic and rational don’t historically give much weight to what the heart needs and wants which leads to its own kind of disasters down the road that I’ll have to clean up.

Having repeated this whole cycle enough times in my life to be sick of my own bullshit, I have come to have a more healthy respect for the proper role that feelings and sensations play in my life.  They are absolutely necessary and so I must be mindful about cultivating and giving them enough space in my life.

I know this intellectually, but it’s not something that comes naturally to me anymore and I have to work hard at it.  So I avoid it and do things like eat too much when I’m not looking.  Which means now I’m going to have to work twice as hard to get back in line.  I have to show myself just how important this actually is to me.  Ugh.

My next challenge is to not do anything that I’ll regret in this desensitized state.  Just play it cool and wait it out until the food has had time to leave my body.  Try to still make good decisions about my life as I wait until I’m no longer full of crap.

You know, it is easier to lie to myself in this state.  I’m more likely to accept something that isn’t true because all my resources are focused on what to do with the new shipment of pretzel sticks and tortilla chips.  “How is she expecting us to turn this into nutrients she can actually use?  What, does she think we’re miracle workers?  How about take a vitamin or eat a carrot once in awhile, Jenn!”

It’s harder to think, focus, care.  Desensitizing myself does distance me from feelings I don’t fully appreciate, but it equally distances me from the feelings that I do appreciate making it overall not worth it.  I know better than to do this, so I need to set it back straight.  Maybe go for a walk.  Do some chores.  Take a laxative.

 

Well.  That’s that for today.  Until next time!

Looking for the Middle Lane

I’m sitting here on the couch at 6 in the morning trying my best to not start complaining because that’s not who I am.  Not at heart anyways.  But it’s become something of a habit in the last year or so.  I’ve also been married for the last year, so who knows, maybe it’s related.

It’s been tough adjusting to a new country and being married.  I am the quintessential independent American woman.  Back home I know what the hell I’m doing and here nothing makes any sense to me.  I really wasn’t expecting such a huge culture difference between The Netherlands and America as I’ve experienced.  Well, Amsterdam is pretty cool, but that’s up north of me a few hours.

This far south it’s . . . uh . . . it’s a little back in time shall we say?  Some small town mentality, and also a bit too . . . uh . . slow.  Things that are experienced as simple and easy back home, get drawn and dragged out here like it’s a herculean task.

For example, last spring they brought in some dirt to do landscaping at the park we live by.  They brought in a little backhoe which slowly and carefully laid out large rectangle metal slabs onto the nice green grass of the park.  Ones like they lay over the road when they’re in the middle of road construction.  Maybe about 6 of them?  So a pretty large area.

Next came a big semi truck with a full load of dirt, backing into the actual park.  Then the backhoe slowly and meticulously began to unload the dirt, one shovel at a time onto the large metal slabs.  I can’t be sure, but I think there may have even been a second large truck full of dirt.  But anyways, after that the backhoe spent some time shaping the pile of dirt, riding up and climbing all over it.

At some point in this process, a neighbor complained about something (maybe the noise) and they stopped what they were doing and left for a few days.  So this alone took up nearly a week of time.

Once that was done, a group of people came to actually work on the landscaping in the park.  The place where the dirt was actually needed was on another side of the park completely (it’s a decent size park), so another small tractor-ish vehicle the size of a smart car would drive all of the way to the big pile of dirt and get a scoop and then drive all of the way back to the area they were working on.  Slowly back and forth, back and forth.

That was a day or two.  Then the pile sat there unused for awhile.  How long?  I’m not sure exactly, but long enough that the neighborhood kids started to play in it and we began to accept it as a new feature of the park.  It was weeks.

Then one day, a big loud truck showed up ready to take the dirt away again.  The little backhoe meticulously scooped shovel after shovel of dirt back into the trucks.  This took a little while because hardly any of the dirt pile had actually been used.

Finally, the backhoe switched it’s front tool and started to lift the metal slabs off the ground, taking chunks of ground with it.  Underneath revealed a huge patch of now dead grass, leaving me to wonder what the point of the metal slabs were in the first place.  Was it to protect the dirt from getting grass in it?  At any rate, that whole section of the park looked awful and I couldn’t really tell what they had done with the dirt they had used.

Back home, that same job would have taken a fraction of the people, been done in a few hours, and the park would have looked pristine and perfect.

If you take that difference and then apply it to multiple things that make up a person’s day, you start to get a sense of what kind of culture shock I’m dealing with.

I.need.speed.  O.O

Back home, pausing to cough put me two weeks behind at work.  Living at that level of efficiency and speed is an art form all in itself.  It was a challenge and one that I excelled at.  Well mostly.  If you don’t include the times I tripped and burned and crashed into a magnificent explosion of woopsy daisy.

There is zero room for error in that kind of life.  There is little to no room for feelings or appreciation of the things that really matter in life with that kind of lifestyle.  Everything is so rushed and a blur of events.  I swear a whole year would happen in a day it was that fast.  There’s very little time for reflection or stopping to understand what you’re doing it all for.

I mean major life events would happen in a person’s life, such as a parent dying, and a person would maybe take a day off.  Like that level of crazy fast.  Our schedules booked to bursting, sometimes being tripled booked for meetings, potentially hundreds of emails a day.  Somewhere in there you had to get the actual work done.  Taking care of family, running errands.  Go camping, to Disneyland, lay on the beach for a few days every year and then back to it.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to go two years with no vacation.  I would run 10-16 hours a day at full force for years.

God I miss it.

Not the burning out part.  It took me some time and a lot of mistakes, but I did learn how to manage that better so that I stayed healthy.  I started to make time for myself and for the things that really mattered to me because I saw just how fast life can pass you by without realizing it.

So I quit trying to climb the corporate ladder and was content with just helping the people I worked with.  Including reminders of what is really important in life when they themselves got too caught up in the hubbub of it all.  We are analysts, but don’t lose sight of the people behind the numbers, I would say.  It isn’t all about the bottom line.  I’m not saying neglect the bottom line, I’m just saying that isn’t all there is.

In that world, it doesn’t look good if you don’t steadily progress upwards.  Something is wrong with you if you don’t want to be a Manager, Director, VP.  Like you won’t work as hard or give your all.  And yet, I did.  I always do because that’s just who I am.  I don’t do it for the paycheck or for a title or to appear successful.  I do what I do because I do things with my whole heart, otherwise why bother doing it at all.

So I left for greener pastures.  I was so ready for a quieter life.  Ready for a different kind of life.  One where I could focus more on what was important to me personally.  So that’s more or less the reason I was willing to let it all go.

But then staring at that pile of dirt out of my window for weeks on end made me want to go a little Daffy Duck, screaming and bouncing around the room like a lunatic.  Questioning what I had done.  I CAN’T DO THIS PACE!

There must be an in-between, you know?  Fast enough to get the rush and clarity of mind, but slow enough to appreciate and enjoy it all.  That’s what I’m looking for.

Lucky for me, I have a husband who is all on board with me.  He’s coming from the other direction.  A life that is so slow paced that nothing really changes.  Nothing gets you charged or motivated to get moving and make a difference in the world.  It’s like living the life of a stoned sloth.  It’s nightmarish in its own way.

He’s been teaching me about his world and I’ve been teaching him about mine and we feel between the two of us, we’ll find that perfect balance.  As I learn to slow down, he’s learning how to speed up and we make adjustments as we go.  I feel like I’m trying to get a sleeping elephant up a flight of stairs and he feels like he’s trying to slow down a coked-up road runner.  Meep Meep.

Well it’s time to get to some other things, so I guess that’s it for this Early Morning writing.  Until next time!