I don’t want to fight against the beauty of life anymore. I want to give in to all it asks of me. Swelling like a song from inside my soul all the various hues and tones. I’ve known insanity, I’ve witnessed death. I’ve felt my heart stop beating in my chest. I know a mother’s sorrow. I know defeat. I know what it’s like to be broken and brought to my knees.
I fought against it all. Trying to push it away. “That’s not what I want.” I said to life and life disagreed. The more I said no, the more it gave. Until a day came where my resistance gave way.
I became tired of trying to control my life. Of wishing for other than what it was. When was I going to be allowed to be happy? Crises after crises erupting non-stop from the others in my life, nearly rendering my rule following and penchant for responsibility useless. Toppling again and again my carefully laid plans.
I decided to stop running. I seemed to be missing a point. Something was missing in my life. But what?
The ‘what’ ended up being love.
So I turned back around and started marching straight back to my heart. It was there that I gained the ability to be able to see in the dark. Seeing what it all really means.
There is an inexplicable beauty in the perfection of life.
From that place, all of life is extraordinary and beautiful. Each of you perfect. Making mistakes as anyone who is trying to learn something does. Eventually everyone will figure it all out and all we’re seeing in any given moment is where someone is in their own unique learning process. It does not define them wholly. It is not their everything.
So I don’t want to fight against life, against myself, anymore. All of it is in some way in support of my greater good. As soon as I’ve truly learned something, I no longer experience it. If it happens again, then there is still something more for me to learn, even if it is just to look at it from another perspective and shift my feeling about how it.
This gives me the courage to face my life and whatever is happening. To not play it so safe and to take more risks. Staying open to my heart even during times of darkness allows me to continue experiencing life as beautiful . . . making me no longer feel like I need to try and prevent anything bad from happening . . . taking away my need to try and control things that are beyond my control.