I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but I keep taking issue with me. I am inconsistent. I want to be more fixed, more constant, but that’s not how I experience things. To me every moment is its own situation with a complex feed of information that plays a part in what I’m thinking or feeling. I can shift and change my perception to see any view point that is given.
With that kind of mutability, I can come across as inconsistent. I am almost always misunderstood. When I let it go unchecked, I can quickly lose my own perspective about things. It can make it hard to see me through all the shape-shifting, like a dizzying carnival ride.
It makes it hard for me to answer questions, such as during interviews because I have to establish what level or perspective the person is speaking from in order to know how to answer the questions they asked as they intended it. No doubt I can come across as air-headed, or maybe even a bit slow. People think they’re being clear, but they aren’t aware of how many ways a single question can be taken. My job then becomes about being a quick on-the-spot detective to deduce which way they mean it, while also thinking of an answer that fits that perspective.
Being aware of so many levels and perspectives, it takes me some time to understand for myself what it is that I truly feel and believe about something. A long time. A lot of talking, verbal processing. It can be exhausting and frustrating. It’s easy to get lost and sidetracked.
Living from a situational point-of-view means never being on autopilot. I am not likely to give a cookie-cutter response and I cringe every time I do. I’m taking into account things like the environment, the season, the time of day, recent events, my moods, other people’s moods, etc.
On top of all of this, I’m also very sensitive to energetics or the unseen influences of life. I’ve also spent a great deal learning about distinguishing the different things I pick up and what they mean and where it’s coming from. I am highly empathic, feeling other’s feelings and thoughts as if they are my own. Which is another reason I can’t let myself go on autopilot, because I can quickly get mixed up with what is going on inside of me if I do.
A lot of hard work and discipline has gone into figuring myself out and pulling it together. I’m able to easily be at peace with myself when I’m alone. The difficulty comes when I try to be myself around others who misunderstand me and have very fixed ideas about how things should be and all the ways I’m wrong in how I am. I start seeing their perspective and lose sight of my own, leading to me becoming unhappy.
So that’s why I say I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but this time I want to be able to stay in that place even while around others who misunderstand me. It’s really, really, really hard for someone like me to do. It’s like trying to wiggle your ears or do push-ups with your chin.
I’ve found that being in touch with my deeper feelings really helps a LOT. But omg it takes a lot of work. Some people are setup to easily be in touch with their deeper feelings, but they can be so serious and brooding that it takes a miracle to get them to lighten up. Namely the fixed people that misunderstand me. Which, in my effort to try to understand where they are coming from, is what led me to understanding what it was that I was missing in order to become a more whole and happy person.
I’ve learned a great deal from my haters. Such as learning that I could stand to be a little bit more like them in order to round myself out and be on a little more even keel. Just like they could stand to learn a little from me and not be such a Grumposaurus Rex. Be a little more understanding, a little more flexible, a little more forgiving.
Currently, I’m married to my favorite Grumposaurus Rex. He is one of the most fixed people I’ve ever met, but also the most willing of his kind to try to change and grow. We are very aware of our differences, but we each have enough love for each other to do what it takes to figure us out. Learning how to be with each other, while being ourselves in a way that is a win/win is our mission.
It’s definitely on my top 5 list of hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it’s also on my top 5 list of best things I’ve ever done. It’s along the lines of learning to love your enemy as you love yourself. Or like how eagles mate, where they lock talons and start careening towards the ground and they don’t untangle until the deed is done. It’s a little harrowing and not for the faint of heart.
But the rewards are beyond imagining. It’s like scratching an itch you couldn’t reach, or receiving a tall glass of the tastiest water after being in the desert for days. Those are the goals I go for, the ones that can’t be matched.
My luck is in having found an “enemy” who was just as willing and committed to work with his for both our greater good. I have to say, it’s much more rewarding than any stupid romantic fairy-tale story I’ve ever been told. Way sexier too. 🙂
So I’m currently working that invisible muscle in me to once again come to peace with my mutable, flexible nature despite my stand-still mountain of a husband. My mimic nature wants to try and be as still as him, and that absolutely does not work for me. He’s learning to come to peace with himself, as well as learning how to move a little more like I do without feeling like he’ll come unhinged inside.
It’s really working though. It’s amazing to witness. A frantic butterfly learning how to be more still and graceful, while a mountain learns how to get up and dance.