This is like my third rewrite of the About section. Sometimes it takes me a few tries before I fully understand or become clear myself on what I’m doing or how I feel about it. Trial and error is how I figure it out. Just in case anyone out there is mistakenly thinking I’m perfect, keep in mind the marvelous invention of digital writing and the backspace button. I use it religiously.
I did a brief ‘catch everyone up to speed’ on where I am in my life at the moment for some context in my first blog So Nice To Meet Moo, if you’re interested (as it does play a role in what this blog is about). But to further elaborate on what exactly is going on here:
I have a great many interests. I am curious to a fault. I am a nonstop ‘what’s this?, but why?’ machine. But I have a little bit of a problem in actually expressing all of those faucets of myself because I have a tendency in chameleon-ing myself to suit whoever or wherever I am, which after awhile leads me to forgetting who I am myself. Not to say that I become someone I’m not, but that pieces of me become more prominent and other pieces of me grow distant and I forget about them. I start to feel less whole and a little bit lopsided inside.
I can be too adaptable and too mutable. Too agreeable. Too ‘let’s not rock the boat’. To my detriment. I start sacrificing subjects and ideas that are really interesting to me, because I figure in the moment that it’s not worth causing a commotion over. Not worth ruffling feathers or risking others misjudging or misunderstanding me. Until one day I realize that I’ve become a Plain Jane Vanilla flavor that doesn’t fairly represent who I really am as a person. I disappoint myself when I see that I’ve let things go that far.
That’s not what I came down to Earth for, and so I need to stand stronger in myself. I need to be more solid. More “earthy”. More cow-ish. And by doing so, I will feel strong enough to take more risks and really start putting myself out there to, yes, be misunderstood and misjudged by some . . . but to also raise the chances of finding others more like myself vs the ones I attract when I’m being mediocre.
This blog is meant to provide a space for myself to explore and to learn how to express all the many faucets of me. To take chances and risks in self expression. Learning how to make enemies by coming to peace with the understanding that not everyone that crosses my path is going to love or even like me. I want to be free of that wretched leash.
For example, I love astrology. I was an analyst in business for nearly 2 decades, but I effing love astrology. However, I tend to cringe bringing it up because all I can hear in my head are the people who scoff at it and put it down as superstitious mumbo jumbo. I took the time to get to know and understand Astrology (approaching it even from an analytical point of view) before I passed judgement on what I felt about it. In my research stage, I even read a book written by an astrophysicist who originally set out to disprove Astrology, only to come to realize that there might be something to it after all.
So I took the time and effort to really understand it before I formed an opinion about it, found that it is one of the most fascinating subjects I’ve ever looked into, but I refrain from being more open about it in public because as a whole it is viewed by the intellectual community as hogwash and I don’t want to be labeled by them as being less intelligent because of it. I want to be given a chance to be known and understood before I’m labeled and people close their mind off to me.
But do I really want to be surrounded by people who would so quickly dismiss me? Do I want to spend my life energy trying to gain the understanding of close-minded people? The answer is no. No, I do not. So then why do I cater to the critical voices in my head instead of being my own person? Who knows, but I’m really interested in changing that about myself.
Which brings me to the name of the blog. In a moment of inspiration (and not wanting to be so cliche), I once exclaimed to my now husband, “Holy Heifer!” instead of ‘Holy Cow’ and got such a laugh out of him that it warmed my tummy. It was a sincere expression of myself, unrepressed, and it resulted in one of my true joys in life – bringing laughter to another. And so the phrase stuck.
Btw, the misspelling of the word heifer is intentional. I think it looks better as ‘heffer’ (making an executive decision with the English language). It’s also to ward off anyone who is too serious about grammar and spelling, because if someone is going to judge a person based solely on that, then they’re totally missing the point of Life.
I kid of course. People are much more complex than that. I understand that someone can get totally hung up on grammar and spelling, and yet still appreciate what was trying to be communicated. I understand intrinsically that people are human and I allow for that in my relationships. But I also need that allowance. So I’m going to give that to myself. Here. At the Holy Heffer.