Walk Towards the Tsunami With Peace in Your Heart

Not knowing what’s coming leaves a really big space for us to fill with our own fears, surrounding us with our own darkness versus the truth that lies before us.

Working through our fears is the growth we need in order to become big enough to handle the truth. And the real truth, the higher truth, only ever frees you from the grip of fear. It is only ever a burden lessened.

Only when you have truly been freed from fear does the illusion fall away and the truth is shown. Only then do you find peace and find the real path home.

Dream Giving Gentle Reminder of What’s Really Important

I had some interesting dreams last night that really made me think.  A couple were set at a hotel and the one I’ll share with you begins with me going to my room and seeing that there was already a woman in there occupying it.  She seemed a little off somehow, not really with it.  I tried to just go along with it but I became more and more uncomfortable with the situation.

Then I started to experience the world as she did.  When my husband walked away from me and towards the door, he seemed to disappear from my sight.  I seemed to be viewing the world from a different light spectrum than a human usually sees.  It was disconcerting to me.  It was a little how I might imagine a bad acid trip to be.  My reality bubbled in front of me with colors that you don’t normally see in the air in front of you, like mixes of green and then yellow.

I decided I was done trying to be okay with the situation and asked the hotel staff to get me a different room.  They seemed to take it very seriously and at first I believed it was for my benefit that they were upset about it, but as I listened on I found out that the woman was the wife of someone important to the hotel and I even detected a bit of protectiveness and affection for the woman.  They were more upset at the woman being disturbed then in the inconvenience it had caused me.

Something about that calmed me inside and felt right.  It felt like something that has gone missing in the world and it felt good to be put back in my place in a manner of speaking.  All of my dreams pointed to this more humbling place as well as showing me how I’ve veered away from myself a bit and am not as accepting of all of me as I should be.  I need to be more soft and compassionate for the human condition and the many things we face during our adventures here.

It felt good to be reminded in the most subtle and loving of ways of what’s more important and to be pointed back to my center where I belong.  It’s easy to go off track in the hectic pace of the current world and I don’t enjoy life as much when I lose sight of what actually matters down here.

I also feel that it’s more important than ever to be aware of this.  Time seems to be short and I feel the best thing I could be doing right now is getting more in touch with my heart and soul and things beyond the material world as we are constantly reminded everyday that it isn’t forever.  We are always on borrowed time.

Until next time, take care!

Flower May 27 2018

The Mountain and the Butterfly

I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but I keep taking issue with me.  I am inconsistent.  I want to be more fixed, more constant, but that’s not how I experience things.  To me every moment is its own situation with a complex feed of information that plays a part in what I’m thinking or feeling.  I can shift and change my perception to see any view point that is given.

With that kind of mutability, I can come across as inconsistent.  I am almost always misunderstood.  When I let it go unchecked, I can quickly lose my own perspective about things.  It can make it hard to see me through all the shape-shifting, like a dizzying carnival ride.

It makes it hard for me to answer questions, such as during interviews because I have to establish what level or perspective the person is speaking from in order to know how to answer the questions they asked as they intended it.  No doubt I can come across as air-headed, or maybe even a bit slow.  People think they’re being clear, but they aren’t aware of how many ways a single question can be taken.  My job then becomes about being a quick on-the-spot detective to deduce which way they mean it, while also thinking of an answer that fits that perspective.

Being aware of so many levels and perspectives, it takes me some time to understand for myself what it is that I truly feel and believe about something.  A long time.  A lot of talking, verbal processing.  It can be exhausting and frustrating.  It’s easy to get lost and sidetracked.

Living from a situational point-of-view means never being on autopilot.  I am not likely to give a cookie-cutter response and I cringe every time I do.  I’m taking into account things like the environment, the season, the time of day, recent events, my moods, other people’s moods, etc.

On top of all of this, I’m also very sensitive to energetics or the unseen influences of life.  I’ve also spent a great deal learning about distinguishing the different things I pick up and what they mean and where it’s coming from.  I am highly empathic, feeling other’s feelings and thoughts as if they are my own.  Which is another reason I can’t let myself go on autopilot, because I can quickly get mixed up with what is going on inside of me if I do.

A lot of hard work and discipline has gone into figuring myself out and pulling it together.  I’m able to easily be at peace with myself when I’m alone.  The difficulty comes when I try to be myself around others who misunderstand me and have very fixed ideas about how things should be and all the ways I’m wrong in how I am.  I start seeing their perspective and lose sight of my own, leading to me becoming unhappy.

So that’s why I say I’m wanting to come to peace with myself again, but this time I want to be able to stay in that place even while around others who misunderstand me.  It’s really, really, really hard for someone like me to do.  It’s like trying to wiggle your ears or do push-ups with your chin.

I’ve found that being in touch with my deeper feelings really helps a LOT.  But omg it takes a lot of work.  Some people are setup to easily be in touch with their deeper feelings, but they can be so serious and brooding that it takes a miracle to get them to lighten up.  Namely the fixed people that misunderstand me.  Which, in my effort to try to understand where they are coming from, is what led me to understanding what it was that I was missing in order to become a more whole and happy person.

I’ve learned a great deal from my haters.  Such as learning that I could stand to be a little bit more like them in order to round myself out and be on a little more even keel.  Just like they could stand to learn a little from me and not be such a Grumposaurus Rex.  Be a little more understanding, a little more flexible, a little more forgiving.

Currently, I’m married to my favorite Grumposaurus Rex.  He is one of the most fixed people I’ve ever met, but also the most willing of his kind to try to change and grow.  We are very aware of our differences, but we each have enough love for each other to do what it takes to figure us out.  Learning how to be with each other, while being ourselves in a way that is a win/win is our mission.

It’s definitely on my top 5 list of hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it’s also on my top 5 list of best things I’ve ever done.  It’s along the lines of learning to love your enemy as you love yourself.  Or like how eagles mate, where they lock talons and start careening towards the ground and they don’t untangle until the deed is done.  It’s a little harrowing and not for the faint of heart.

But the rewards are beyond imagining.  It’s like scratching an itch you couldn’t reach, or receiving a tall glass of the tastiest water after being in the desert for days.  Those are the goals I go for, the ones that can’t be matched.

My luck is in having found an “enemy” who was just as willing and committed to work with his for both our greater good.  I have to say, it’s much more rewarding than any stupid romantic fairy-tale story I’ve ever been told.  Way sexier too.  🙂

So I’m currently working that invisible muscle in me to once again come to peace with my mutable, flexible nature despite my stand-still mountain of a husband.  My mimic nature wants to try and be as still as him, and that absolutely does not work for me.  He’s learning to come to peace with himself, as well as learning how to move a little more like I do without feeling like he’ll come unhinged inside.

It’s really working though.  It’s amazing to witness.  A frantic butterfly learning how to be more still and graceful, while a mountain learns how to get up and dance.

A Self Prophecy That I’m Not Going To Run From

Do you remember those stories we had to read in school that were about prophecies that foretold certain events, and then the remainder of the story is somebody trying to stop the prophecy from coming about and then that ends up being what causes the prophecy to happen?  Well, I’ve had that theme showing up a lot for me lately and so I decided to stop and think about what that is maybe trying to tell me.

Wait, actually at first I was like, “Oh my god!  When are people going to figure out that trying to prevent something from happening makes it happen!  Jesus Christ!”  But then about the fourth time I heard myself saying that, I realized I may be missing the point.

So then I was wondering, “What things am I trying to prevent from happening in my life in the long term?”  What inner dialogues or stories do I say to myself that leads to the type of decisions I make?  I had two strong ones come up.  “I don’t want to look like a crazy person and I don’t want to be a dictator.”  Which I then immediately asked myself, ” . . . and what things am I doing to try and prevent that from happening?”

The response to that was also immediate like it had been sitting for days waiting for me to clue in on all the hits the universe had been throwing at me:  I repress my feelings and I also repress my self expression.

Now, I also do these things because I’m constantly being misunderstood.  I can see how me being myself could be misconstrued to be those things I don’t want to be.  But that’s not what is actually going on inside of me.  Do the people who misunderstand me ask me where I was actually coming from?  No.  They make assumptions.  They place their own feelings onto my actions and then try to make me answer for it.  What kind of nonsense is that?

However, not understanding that when I was younger, I thought the proper (only) response was to repress and make myself small and invisible in order to not upset or offend other people due to their misunderstanding of me.  In the process I made a point to always try to understand where others were actually coming from before I jumped to conclusions.

By doing this I came to understand the many different ways the same situation can be perceived by others.  I am aware of me and of there being others on the planet besides me.  So, in this struggle, there was in fact a gift for me.

But it’s time to come full circle.  Now that I understand what all the misunderstanding was about, it’s about time that I learn again how to express myself more wholly and less apologetically.

Which circles back round to what ‘prophecy’ am I trying to prevent from happening.  Instead of trying to prevent it from happening by not expressing myself at all (which you can see how bottling up self expression for a lifetime could lead to the very thing I fear), why don’t I lean into it a bit?  Why don’t I push myself to be more expressive, to be more emotional?

How about I consciously move towards those things, because they are things within me.  I am perfectly capable of being crazy and I’m perfectly capable of being overly-assertive.  But those are the shadow expressions of those things in me and that’s what will come out if I ignore them, if I try to pretend they aren’t there at all.

Whereas, if I practice and learn about those parts of me and give them expression (move towards confronting those parts of me instead of avoiding them), then I run a higher chance of giving those parts of myself a more positive and healthy expression.

You know?  Because there are always two sides to the coin.  Facing the ‘bad’ in me allows me the opportunity to see what ‘good’ way that same thing can be expressed if I work with it.  Then I won’t be running from myself.  I will actually be coming more to peace with myself.  I’ll be more willing to check myself if I start to get out of control with it, than if I were to just ignore it and have it come out subconsciously and try to act like it’s not me at all.

So.  Let’s see where that goes.  And also, this helps me work on letting go of control, meaning, let people take me however they want to take me and learning how to handle that.  I feel that’s more healthy than just stuffing it all in and letting it be a crap shoot on what comes out at the most inconvenient times.

Not to mention there are people out there getting offended about EVERYTHING without a whole lot of thought about where a person was really coming from.  Like if ten people were to say the same “offensive” sentence, maybe only one of those people would be coming from a place that was actually mean or inconsiderate.

Like discernment people.  Things are not black and white.  Where was the person really coming from in terms of intention and feelings?  That is more important than the words being used.  We have to stop being so damn lazy about it and trying to ban all words and phrases that could be offensive if said by a jackass and just call out people actually being jackasses.  If you can’t tell the difference, then maybe you have some more growing up to do and you need to shut your pie hole until you can tell the difference.

Amiright? 😀

It’s Time To Get Right Within Ourselves

These last couple of weeks have been a bit of a wild ride out in the world.  I wonder what is going on, but at the same time there is a part of me that knows.  Knows, but hasn’t surfaced enough yet for me to remember it more clearly.

Even as a child, this part of me knew that adult me would experience all manner of natural disasters and earth changes.  Chaos that was unimaginable to little girl me, but that life would prepare for adult me to be able to handle.

And so here I sit, watching it become more visible in the physical world.  Things I have been dreaming about and receiving visions of my whole life.

I’ve never heard the word ‘unprecedented’ used so often for such a wide variety of things in such a short amount of time in all my life, as I have in the last week.  Hurricanes, wildfires, solar flares, radiation, earthquakes, volcanoes, etc.  One tripping along the heals of the other.

Everyone has their own idea of what they think is happening.  Climate change (whether man-made or otherwise), weather modification, pole-shift, ice age, Nibiru, the coming of Christ, cosmic rays, etc.

Some respond by prepping, preparing.  Others by trying to keep things going business as usual.  Others are praying, repenting, rationalizing, intellectualizing, denying, blaming.  Trying to cope as best as they know how for something of this magnitude.  Trying to regain some sense of control over their lives.

I do not feel fear about what is happening or coming.  This is something bigger than me, than us.  We do not have control over it.  It feels like that is something that we’ve forgotten over recent times, that we aren’t in control over everything.  We need this.  We need to be reminded that there is something greater than ourselves.

These things were always going to happen.  To see it as punishment or as something to be controlled, is to miss the greater wisdom of what is about to unfold.

Perfect in Our Imperfections

A part of being human is to learn and grow as you live your life.  We are never really the same person from moment to moment in the same way that you never step into the same river twice.

It’s only fair to judge someone based on the entirety of their journey, and that can only be seen at soul level.  And in the end we all get it right, we get it perfect for ourselves.  So all we are really seeing here on Earth are the steps it took for us to reach our perfection.

We can be there for each other’s journey, but no one can do another’s journey for them.  Let people be human, to make mistakes, including yourself.  Live and let live.

Resetting My Inner Mother and Father

In my previous post I was focused on Mother and today I feel a focus towards Father, realizing now that they are the male/female aspects within me trying to reconcile.  It’s less about what my biological mother and father did or didn’t do in my life, and more about how I feel about those concepts within me.

I can’t change other people.  I can’t change who my parents were or are.  They have their own lives and journeys, their own hearts and passions, as well as their own pain and lessons to learn that have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Plus, while I’m blaming or focused on them for what I’m feeling inside (whether consciously or not), it only serves to leave me feeling powerless, you know?  It then sets up unrealistic expectations in me to come up with the right words to explain to them how they affected me and then some sort of fantasy “oh my god, I had no idea, I’m so sorry!” revelation on their part and then you know, the fanfare reconciliation and we all live happily ever after.

Except that’s not likely to ever happen.  So then what do I do with these feelings I have inside of me?  What do I do with the imbalance and upset that, at least on the surface, seems to stem from my interactions while growing up with them?

It’s occurred to me that how I personally see my parents, plays a big part in how I see and treat the male/female in me.  The male side barking orders, being demanding, scaring the living daylights out of me.  But also being the side of me that is disciplined, hard working, and really strong when facing challenges in life.

My female side sacrifices herself and her feelings to the demanding male side of me.  “Stop crying.  Get over it.  Move on.”  So she gets left feeling neglected and unloved by the male side of me.  But male side of me is just trying to make sure we survive and in that there’s no room or time for tears or anything girly.  But without my female side, there is no softness, love, or joy in my life.  Just relentless responsibility and nothing to look forward to or making life worth all the grief.

Are these echoes of my parents?  To some degree, I think yes.  But I am starting to suspect that it’s more to do with how I experienced them and what makes up me as an individual, than it does about how they actually were.  At least in how it relates and matters to my own personal healing.  There were legitimate, not okay things that took place in my childhood.  I’m not excusing that, but right now healing is more important to me than blaming.  It’s long since happened and it’s just time to move on, you know?

As mentioned in my previous post, when I was younger, I had a type of surrogate mother that I found within me and called upon to help me deal with my mom being emotionally absent.  I don’t know what to call her really.  Is she my higher self?  The Great Mother?  An angel?  I’m not sure, but what she showed me is another way of being a woman.  A way to break the family cycle.  A way to change my fate.

And if I can do it with the mother figure in me, then why not the father figure in me?  Why not balance that shit out?

So I’ve been trying it out, and it’s like pure magic.  I’m so ready to let go of the past and move on, that it feels like liquid gold to me.  Yes, I can overwrite the genetic male/female that I was programmed with and start over, start fresh.  Wipe the slate clean and try again.

I feel the father figure in me letting me know that I can rest, I can relax now.  He’s going to take good care of me from now on.  I don’t have to try so hard anymore.  I can let go of all of the burden and heartache I’ve been carrying through life, because he’s here now.  I can stop working myself into a frenzy and burning myself out, thinking I have to do it all.

He feels bigger than me, stronger than me.  I trust him.  He’s not human, he’s something more than that and so it makes it easier for me to feel trust in that part of myself again.

But I don’t just feel him alone, I feel my mother figure with him too.  In union.  Both warm and glowing and shining solidarity and security down on me.  Spreading and sinking into me that everything is going to be okay.  It’s really okay.

It’s a little disorienting, shifting perspective like this.  It’s also a great relief to find that I don’t have to wait for others to be okay before I can find a way to be okay in myself.  I like that.  It makes me feel more open and empowered.  Like I got this.

Kitties in Sunshine Mar 2017
A rare sighting of my girl kitty (Vixen- the one acting like she’s at the beach sunbathing) and boy kitty (Gir- pretending to not love this) cuddling together.