I’m trying to get more comfortable in expressing my feelings, so naturally I ate too much food last night in an act of self sabotage. But the joke is on me because I’m going to make myself write something anyways. Making a crappy post that I’m not proud of will be my punishment.
You know, it took me awhile to realize that when I say ‘feelings’, I actually mean body sensations. As in, ‘how does my body feel’ about something vs what my emotional state is. I can feel good about something, but be emotionally upset.
It took me awhile to make that distinction in me because the word feeling in the general populace is used to describe both things. What would be the more accurate word for body feels? Sense? I sense something is . . . no, see that just doesn’t work. That feels like it’s describing something other than what I’m experiencing. I experience something deeper than sense.
But I lose that deeper sensitivity feeling sensation when I eat too much food and get full. I always figured that was what was meant by the phrase ‘eating my feelings’, right?
And it works because it feels harder to get that deeper sense of things, but then I feel a little disconnected from my inner navigation system. I feel un-grounded, ironically, because you would think eating a bunch of food would make a person feel more solid or grounded, but it does the opposite. It becomes harder to know what I am really wanting to do.
If I can’t feel that deeper place and know what I really want to do, then I end up doing things that I didn’t really want to do and then I don’t feel so good about myself by the end of the day. I feel kind of disappointed in myself, which could potentially lead me down a spiral path of shame if I don’t snap out of it and get back on track.
When I’m not in touch enough with my inner navigation, I then tend to over use logic and rational to do what I think I should be doing vs what I actually should be doing and that could lead me even further off track because logic and rational don’t historically give much weight to what the heart needs and wants which leads to its own kind of disasters down the road that I’ll have to clean up.
Having repeated this whole cycle enough times in my life to be sick of my own bullshit, I have come to have a more healthy respect for the proper role that feelings and sensations play in my life. They are absolutely necessary and so I must be mindful about cultivating and giving them enough space in my life.
I know this intellectually, but it’s not something that comes naturally to me anymore and I have to work hard at it. So I avoid it and do things like eat too much when I’m not looking. Which means now I’m going to have to work twice as hard to get back in line. I have to show myself just how important this actually is to me. Ugh.
My next challenge is to not do anything that I’ll regret in this desensitized state. Just play it cool and wait it out until the food has had time to leave my body. Try to still make good decisions about my life as I wait until I’m no longer full of crap.
You know, it is easier to lie to myself in this state. I’m more likely to accept something that isn’t true because all my resources are focused on what to do with the new shipment of pretzel sticks and tortilla chips. “How is she expecting us to turn this into nutrients she can actually use? What, does she think we’re miracle workers? How about take a vitamin or eat a carrot once in awhile, Jenn!”
It’s harder to think, focus, care. Desensitizing myself does distance me from feelings I don’t fully appreciate, but it equally distances me from the feelings that I do appreciate making it overall not worth it. I know better than to do this, so I need to set it back straight. Maybe go for a walk. Do some chores. Take a laxative.
Well. That’s that for today. Until next time!