Do you remember those stories we had to read in school that were about prophecies that foretold certain events, and then the remainder of the story is somebody trying to stop the prophecy from coming about and then that ends up being what causes the prophecy to happen? Well, I’ve had that theme showing up a lot for me lately and so I decided to stop and think about what that is maybe trying to tell me.
Wait, actually at first I was like, “Oh my god! When are people going to figure out that trying to prevent something from happening makes it happen! Jesus Christ!” But then about the fourth time I heard myself saying that, I realized I may be missing the point.
So then I was wondering, “What things am I trying to prevent from happening in my life in the long term?” What inner dialogues or stories do I say to myself that leads to the type of decisions I make? I had two strong ones come up. “I don’t want to look like a crazy person and I don’t want to be a dictator.” Which I then immediately asked myself, ” . . . and what things am I doing to try and prevent that from happening?”
The response to that was also immediate like it had been sitting for days waiting for me to clue in on all the hits the universe had been throwing at me: I repress my feelings and I also repress my self expression.
Now, I also do these things because I’m constantly being misunderstood. I can see how me being myself could be misconstrued to be those things I don’t want to be. But that’s not what is actually going on inside of me. Do the people who misunderstand me ask me where I was actually coming from? No. They make assumptions. They place their own feelings onto my actions and then try to make me answer for it. What kind of nonsense is that?
However, not understanding that when I was younger, I thought the proper (only) response was to repress and make myself small and invisible in order to not upset or offend other people due to their misunderstanding of me. In the process I made a point to always try to understand where others were actually coming from before I jumped to conclusions.
By doing this I came to understand the many different ways the same situation can be perceived by others. I am aware of me and of there being others on the planet besides me. So, in this struggle, there was in fact a gift for me.
But it’s time to come full circle. Now that I understand what all the misunderstanding was about, it’s about time that I learn again how to express myself more wholly and less apologetically.
Which circles back round to what ‘prophecy’ am I trying to prevent from happening. Instead of trying to prevent it from happening by not expressing myself at all (which you can see how bottling up self expression for a lifetime could lead to the very thing I fear), why don’t I lean into it a bit? Why don’t I push myself to be more expressive, to be more emotional?
How about I consciously move towards those things, because they are things within me. I am perfectly capable of being crazy and I’m perfectly capable of being overly-assertive. But those are the shadow expressions of those things in me and that’s what will come out if I ignore them, if I try to pretend they aren’t there at all.
Whereas, if I practice and learn about those parts of me and give them expression (move towards confronting those parts of me instead of avoiding them), then I run a higher chance of giving those parts of myself a more positive and healthy expression.
You know? Because there are always two sides to the coin. Facing the ‘bad’ in me allows me the opportunity to see what ‘good’ way that same thing can be expressed if I work with it. Then I won’t be running from myself. I will actually be coming more to peace with myself. I’ll be more willing to check myself if I start to get out of control with it, than if I were to just ignore it and have it come out subconsciously and try to act like it’s not me at all.
So. Let’s see where that goes. And also, this helps me work on letting go of control, meaning, let people take me however they want to take me and learning how to handle that. I feel that’s more healthy than just stuffing it all in and letting it be a crap shoot on what comes out at the most inconvenient times.
Not to mention there are people out there getting offended about EVERYTHING without a whole lot of thought about where a person was really coming from. Like if ten people were to say the same “offensive” sentence, maybe only one of those people would be coming from a place that was actually mean or inconsiderate.
Like discernment people. Things are not black and white. Where was the person really coming from in terms of intention and feelings? That is more important than the words being used. We have to stop being so damn lazy about it and trying to ban all words and phrases that could be offensive if said by a jackass and just call out people actually being jackasses. If you can’t tell the difference, then maybe you have some more growing up to do and you need to shut your pie hole until you can tell the difference.